By Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

He was powerful not because he dominated the scene, but because he was being true.

 -Buddha.

The greatest gift we give one another is the gift of our natural selves. For some this is not difficult, but for most it takes practice to stop the games they play, take off their masks and return to their natural selves.

Our natural self is filled with strength, life, energy and enthusiasm. It has no fixed role, but moves, changes, laughs, speaks and cares easily. Its actions and responses are straightforward, appropriate to the situation and to what the moment asks of it. It has natural wisdom and timing. When we function from our natural selves, we become strong. It is easy then to succeed.

This is available to everyone, but we are usually out of touch with it. When we live too much out of fixed images, longing for approval and social demands our natural self goes into the background. When we live too much out of the idea of who we ?should? be, rather than who we ?are? our natural self has no place to shine.

In a sense, we are all like flowers longing for the light while we keep our petals closed. There is plenty of sun and light available, but if we are closed we to it we cannot feel the warmth.

Most are accustomed to living their lives securely, encased within their set roles. This kind of living becomes automated and when we go on this way for too long it is easy to feel trapped, burnt out or unfulfilled.

A true man belongs to no time or place, but is the center of things. Where he is, there is nature.? Emerson

Being True
For many the idea of being true has become confused with the idea of being selfish, not caring about the feelings of others. Just the opposite is so. When we are able to respond naturally and truthfully, enormous caring begins to arise.

As we respond to another from our natural selves, they feel it immediately. It usually strikes a chord. They feel they are not being manipulated, but are with someone who?s authentic. Trust develops and as it does, estrangement, conflict and resentment often disappear all by themselves.

On the other hand, when we act simply from set roles and expectations, we are implicitly demanding this kind same kind of behavior from others as well. This produces a strain for everyone, and it is no wonder why we often feel so relieved when a false person leaves and we can be ourselves once again.

Healing Relationships

Often a partnership or friendship will break up because the partners cannot step out of old, worn out patterns. They do not know how. They do not realize that it takes two to keep a difficulty going. They are so identified with the roles they are playing, with their demands and expectations, there is no room for the relationship to grow.

One of the most powerful ways of healing a relationship is by spending some time walking in your partner?s shoes. When you are more flexible and accepting, you can easily do this. As you do, your fixed, limited image of the other person (and of the relationship) cannot help but dissolve. Once it does, neither you nor the relationship will ever be the same again.

There are an infinite number of dances to do in a relationship, an infinite number of ways to relate. When you are coming from your natural self, you become able to break old patterns that are no longer useful and be spontaneous and flexible. And you help your partner be that way too.

We constantly need to broaden our horizons and see our interactions and ourselves in new ways. Sometimes the things we are most afraid of saying or doing are the things, which will bring the greatest help, clarity and certainty.

If we do not expand and grow, we begin to wither. Nothing can stay the same forever. By living from our natural selves and looking carefully at the roles we play and how we define them, we begin to have a sense of increased possibilities and aliveness. This a sure fire cures for all forms of depression, hopelessness and burnout. Try it and see.

Exercise: Meeting Your Natural Self

Look for a moment at what being your natural self means to you.
What do you love to do? Write it down.
What kind of people do you truly enjoy being with?
What do you love about your relationship? What no longer has value?
What behavior or pattern is old and worn out for you in your life?
Each day drop one worn out (or negative) behavior or pattern.
Make room for something new to appear. It will. Allow it.


Cc/author/2005

Dr. Brenda Shoshanna, is a psychologist, relationship expert, author and speaker. This article is based upon her most recent book, Living By Zen, http://www.livingbyzen.com. Dr. Shoshanna offers talks and workshops and is also the author of Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster), Why Men Leave, (Putnam) What He Can?t Tell You and Needs To Say, (Putnam), and Zen Miracles (Finding Peace In An Insane World), (Wiley). You can reach her at topspeaker@yahoo.com. Her personal website is www.brendashoshanna.com