By Roberta S. Ezratty, CBSW

Did you know?

1. By the age of two years we have been programmed with basic behavior.

2. We are unaware of this programming in our conscious mind.

3. Negative programming can be changed to become positive.

While growing up, if you lived with both of your parents, you probably saw them face conflict and make many decisions. Perhaps you observed them decide how much money to spend on a certain item, what to do for holiday, or simply who should put the dog out. The odds are high, however that you never watched your parents work through a serious difference skillfully and respectfully, let alone constructively discuss their own patterns of decision-making or conflict resolution.

In times past, gender and position usually prescribed decision making and conflict resolving at home and work. Seldom did partners openly talk about the communication processes how they listened, talked, and related. However, in today's fast-paced, complex and uncertain world of opportunities, most of us realize another way is possible.

Talking and listening together presents communication concepts and skills to increase your interpersonal competence and to help you and your partner live more satisfactory and meaningful lives together.

In any communicating you do, every message you send contains two component parts: attitude and behavior. Attitudes are derived from the combine beliefs (past programming), feelings and intentions you hold. Behaviors the verbal and nonverbal actions you take reflect and stem from your underlying attitudes. So, each exchange you make with your partner reflects your underlying attitude about yourself and your partner.

Two basic attitudes you can hold toward yourself are:
1 I don't care about myself.
or
2 I do care about myself.

In every situation you communicate either verbally or nonverbally that you do or do not value, respect or have confidence in yourself.

Likewise, two corresponding attitudes you can hold toward a partner are:
1. I don?t care about you.
Or
2. I do care about you.

Again, in any exchange you communicate either that you do or do not value, respect, or have confidence in the other person.

Each partner develops his or her own attitudes and is responsible for his or her own behavior. In other words, ?I? choose either not to care or to care. Please bear in mind, that our childhood pattering has an enormous impact on our attitude.

No substitute exists for love and carrying in communication! However, even with a genuine caring attitude, communication can be unclear, inept or misunderstood. This is where skill enters. The next articles will help enable you to discover your patterns for handling conflicts and to establish interpersonal confidence for resolving conflicts and differences effectively and efficiently.