Email to a friend
The Powerful Secret To A Loving Relationship
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
There are many factors that go into creating a loving relationship. Certainly it helps if two
people have some things in common regarding how they like to spend their time. It also
helps if they have common values around religion or spirituality, around politics, the
environment, abortion, and personal growth. It helps if they both eat junk food or both eat
organic food. It makes things easier if both are neat or both are messy, if both are on time
people or both are late people. Physical attraction is also quite important. It's great if they
have common values around money and spending.
Yet a couple can have all of these and still not have a loving relationship if one element is
missing. Without this essential ingredient, all the other wonderful attributes will not be
enough to make the relationship work.
This essential ingredient is about intention.
At any given moment, each of us is devoted to only one of two different intentions: to
control or to learn. When our intention is to control, our deepest motivation is to have
control over getting love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe. When our intention is to learn,
our deepest motivation is to learn about being loving to ourselves and others.
The motivation to get love rather than be loving can create havoc within a relationship.
Let's look at a typical relationship issue and see what happens regarding the two
different intentions. Jason and Samantha are feeling emotionally distant from each other,
and they haven't made love in a month. The problem started when Samantha stated that
she wanted to take an expensive vacation and Jason objected. Samantha got angry,
Jason gave in, and they have been distant ever since.
Samantha's intention was to have control over getting what she wanted. She equates an
expensive vacation with love - if Jason does this for her, then he proves his love for her.
She used her anger as a way to have control over getting what she wants. She wants
control over feeling special to Jason.
Jason's intention is to avoid pain. He gave himself up to have control over Samantha not
being angry with him. He hopes that by giving Samantha what she wants, she will see
him as a good and loving husband.
However, because both Jason and Samantha were trying to control each other rather
than be loving to themselves and each other, their interaction created emotional distance.
What would this have looked like if their intention had been to learn?
If Samantha's intent had been to learn, she would not have gotten angry. Instead, she
would have wanted to understand Jason's objections. If Jason's intention had been to
learn, he would not have given himself up. Instead he would have wanted to understand
why this particular vacation was so important to Samantha. Both Samantha and Jason
would have been caring about themselves and each other, rather than wanting to get
love or avoid pain. In their mutual exploration about why they each felt the way they did,
they would have learned what they needed to learn - about themselves and each other -
to reach a win-win resolution. Instead of Samantha ostensibly winning and Jason losing,
they would have come up with something both of them could live with. With some
exploration of his financial fears, Jason might have decided that the vacation Samantha
wanted would be fine. With understand of Jason's financial concerns, Samantha might
have decided on a less expensive vacation. In either case, both of them would have felt
fine about the outcome.
No matter how much Jason and Samantha have in common or are attracted to each
other, their love will diminish when their intent is to control rather than learn. It's amazing
how quickly love vanishes when one or both partners have the intent to control. It's
equally amazing how fast it comes back when both partners have the intent to learn.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:email@example.com. Phone
4614 times read
| Related news
- Super Relationship Tips: Do Something Totally Different
by VirginiaB posted on Dec 11,2005
- 7 Ways to Make Good Relationships Even Better
by JeffH posted on Dec 04,2005
- What You Say, What They Hear
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. posted on Nov 19,2005
- I'm So In Love, So Why Am I Depressed?
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. posted on Nov 04,2005
- How To Keep The Love Alive In Your Relationship
by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna posted on Nov 01,2005
- Bonding With Your Partner ? Without Candles, Wine or Lingerie!
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. posted on Oct 25,2005
- 7 Ways To Improve Your Relationship
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. posted on Oct 14,2005
- Relationship Advice: 3 Small, Simple and Powerful Things You Can Do for Your Relationship
by JeffH posted on Sep 25,2005
- Five Easy Steps to Creating Your Dream Relationship
by Rod posted on Sep 02,2005
- How To Become More Positive and Attract Positive People and Situations
by Dr_Orloff posted on Aug 11,2005
- New Beginnings! What to do, What to do?
by Larry posted on Jun 30,2005
- Who Would You Have to Become?
by Larry posted on Jun 18,2005
- Kidding Around With Romance
by Larry posted on Jun 01,2005
- How To Love And Be Loved
by Patricia posted on Feb 28,2005
- Relationships Measure Spiritual Health
by Patricia posted on Feb 11,2005
- Relationship Advice
by Roberta posted on Sep 23,2004
- How To Attract Positive People and Situations
by Dr_Orloff posted on Aug 23,2004
- Couple Communication
by LifeDynamix posted on Jun 17,2004
- Actions of Love
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. posted on Jan 12,2006
- The Value of Communicating Well
by Dr. Jackie Black posted on Jan 23,2006
- Less Talk, More Action!
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. posted on Jan 26,2006
- Keeping Love Alive
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. posted on Feb 06,2006
- Dating Readiness Quiz
by Tonja Weimer posted on Feb 10,2006
- The Logic of Emotions
by Nili Sachs, Ph.D posted on Feb 18,2006
- Avoid Settling for Less Than What You Need and Want While Searching for Your Life Partner
by Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D. posted on Feb 28,2006
- Nonviolent Communication
by Lawrence Wilson M.D. posted on Mar 25,2006
- Fear of Commitment
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. posted on Apr 02,2006
- Committed Relationships: Use Them to Grow Towards Self-Understanding and True Love
by Gabriella Kortsch, Ph.D. posted on Apr 09,2006
- Simple Steps To Having Healthy Relationships
by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna posted on Apr 17,2006
- Five Steps to Overcoming Commitment Phobia and Creating a Loving Life-Partner Relationship
by Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D. posted on Apr 29,2006
- 5 Principles for a maintaining a Successful Relationship
by Pradeep Agarwal posted on May 10,2006
- Critical Communication Styles and Results
by Barbara Rose, Ph.D. posted on May 26,2006
- The Mirror of Relationships
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. posted on Jun 20,2006
- 7 Secrets to Staying Positive in the Face of Negativity
by Lori Radun posted on Jul 31,2006
- I Need A Partner to be Happy
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. posted on Nov 01,2006
- 5 Actions For Successful Relationships
by Margaret Paul Ph.D. posted on Nov 12,2006
- Four Tips To Be A Great Listener
by Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD posted on Dec 02,2006
- The Power of Kindness in Relationships
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D. posted on Dec 16,2006
- Beyond Valentines Day
by Tony Cuckson posted on Feb 14,2007
- Renewing Your Love For Each Other
by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna posted on Feb 16,2007
- How To Be In A Healthy Relationship?
by Shariemar Tininggal posted on Dec 09,2007
- The True Purpose of a Relationship
by E. Raymond Rock posted on Feb 12,2008
Did you find this article helpful?
(total 57 votes)