Do Not Sucker Punch
Mar 09,2005 12:00
by
Silver
Within the communication modules of the workshops I deliver, I like to share something I discovered while learning how to communicate with my oldest foster daughter. When Shade (the daughter formerly known as Lauri) first came to live with us, she was full of rage. I had holes in my walls to prove just how angry she was. I learned quickly that she had a short trigger. Almost anything could set her off a look, someones tone of voice, a TV commercial she was volatile (and had a mean right hook!).
People like this are often referred to as thin skinned, or overly sensitive. Whatever the prognosis, I needed to find a way to communicate with this 15-year old or keep a carpenter on a permanent retainer.
We?ve all worked with someone like Shade at one point or another. Sometimes they yell, at other times, they slam things around. More often than not, they do neither but their body language is so strong that we feel it?s dangerous just to be near them.
We?ve also had to deal with co-workers at the opposite end of the spectrum - those who burst into tears at the hint of a slight, real or imagined.
No matter how it plays out, what we are talking about here are people who react very strongly to anything negative.
Here is what Ive learned that Id like to share with you.
Most often, immediate and strong reactions are a result of being sucker punched. You know the feeling youre having a good day, things are going reasonably well and, out of the blue and without any warning, someone says something negative or critical to you and you feel as if youve been punched in the stomach. And whatever your instincts are either fight or flight is how you react.
Now, some of us have learned to hide our emotions when things like this happen. Others flunked that particular acting course.
I?m one who wears my emotions on my sleeve. My father, a consummate poker player, once said to me, Silver, never play poker. Everything youre thinking shows up clearly on your face.
Here is how to deliver any negative news in the gentlest way possible. Before you deliver the communication, warn the person of whats coming.
With Shade, I would say, Honey, Im going to say something to you right now and it might make you mad. And thats not my intention.
Now, heres the interesting thing about the human brain. It works a good deal faster than the human mouth can. By the time my mouth formed the sentence (above), Shade?s brain would be painting any number of speculative scenarios:
Oh, no. She found that thing Ive been hiding in my bedroom. OR
Aaarrgghh. She found out I flunked my history exam. OR
I knew it. She?s finally had enough of me and shes sending me back to the home.
By the time my slow mouth could form the rest of the communication: If you dont clean your room, you cannot go out tonight, shed be nearly faint with relief and completely forget to punch more holes in my walls.
The worst way to deliver bad news to someone is to sucker punch them. No one wants to be sideswiped when they arent expecting it. You know you hate it when its done to you; the same is true of those to whom you do it!
So warn someone before you deliver any negative news (or opinions). And if youre sensitive, ask those around you to extend the same courtesy when interacting with you.
Your relationships will improve significantly!
Silver Rose works with organizations who want to develop self-managed and happy employees and with individuals who want to love their work. visit http://www.silverspeaks.com/
She can be reached at