Communication is a basic human activity. It involves touching a deep place within that we share. Difficulty communicating causes frustration, fear and even violence. Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, a psychologist, developed a simple, powerful method to help this problem. He calls it Nonviolent Communication or NVC. It is also called Compassionate Communication.                   

NVC has saved marriages, helped parents relate to their children, and helped schools and other institutions function better. It has even stopped rapes and murders by shifting the attackerís focus away from anger. NVC practice groups now exist in most American cities and around the world.  NVC is based on spiritual principles:

1) Each is responsible for his own life. This means taking full responsibility for oneís feelings, words and actions, rather than attribute them to others. One also does not take responsibility for the feelings, thoughts or actions of others, as these belong to others.

2) One cannot force others to feel, think or act the way one wishes. Trying to do so through demands, threats and punishment stops communication. Even if the attempt is successful, the results often backfire.

3) Judging oneself and others stops honest communication. Judging has a quality of finality about it. Also, judging presumes one knows everything about a person or situation, which is never the case.

4) All are connected at the level of feelings and needs. Staying in the body, staying present and empathizing with others brings people together and solves problems.

NVC is a practical method to apply these principles in daily life. Here is how it works.

OBSERVING WITHOUT EVALUATING

The basic NVC process consists of four-steps: 1) observing, 2) identifying a feeling, 3) finding the need behind the feeling, and 4) formulating a request. Let us consider each step in more detail.  Begin by observing what is actually occurring in a situation. The trick is to observe without introducing any judgment or evaluation. For example, let us say a child refuses to clean up his room. Rather than react, the first step is to stop for a moment and observe without judging. This is much tougher than one might imagine. To just blurt out "your room is a mess" is a judgment. A pure observation might be: "There are five pieces of clothing on the floor".

Judgments include statements like "heís a slob", or calling someone mean, messy, needy, stupid, lazy, inconsiderate, racist, selfish, or inappropriate. These words are basically about making another ëwrongí or ëbadí in some way. They are about blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticisms, comparisons or assessments.

Use of the words always, never, ever, whenever, often, frequently, and seldom, when used to exaggerate, as in "his room is always messy", also confuse observation with evaluation. A pure observation is without comparison or evaluation.

IDENTIFYING A FEELING

Having observed, the next step is to identify a feeling related to the observation. Feelings are always related to the body, and do not involve others. Often, people are not in touch with feelings at all. Many pretend they have no feelings. Learning to express feelings is the first step. In the example of the childís room, the parent may feel frustrated, upset, sad, or even despairing at the condition of the room.

Many people confuse feelings with subtle judgments. In the example above, the parent might have said something like "I feel abused, abandoned, violated, attacked, misunderstood, betrayed, cheated, guilty, insulted, used, neglected, or ripped off". These seem like feelings, but they are not. They are judgments, because they involve another person or situation doing something to oneself.

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR FEELINGS

Incidents like the childís clothes all over the floor may set the stage for feelings, but they do not cause feelings. Although some will deny this point, one always has a choice how one will feel. For example, upon observing the clothing on the floor, a parent could choose to be grateful their child at least lives at home, even if his room not as clean as he or she would like.

Ways that one may deny responsibility for feelings include speech patterns such as "It bugs me when ..." or "That bugs me". These phrases are judgments that imply that responsibility for feelings lie outside oneself. Another subtle denial is a statement like "I felt sad when you didnít come home". This implies that another is responsible for oneís feeling. Instead, one could say "When you didnít come home, I chose to remain alone and felt sad because I was needing companionship".

One may blame feelings and actions on impersonal forces, a disease or condition, authorities, group pressure, policies and rules, gender or age roles, or impulses. "I did it because I had to", "because they made me", or "because it is our policy or rule". Denying responsibility for oneís actions and feelings denies oneís power and sovereignty, makes one the victim and subtly blames others for oneís dilemmas.

Another issue is assuming responsibility for othersí feelings. This can seem like caring, but it is not! This is a common trap and a huge source of conflict in relationships. Each chooses and is responsible for his or her own feelings. An example of assuming responsibility for anotherís feelings is to say, "Iím sorry I made you mad". An NVC statement might be "When I see that you are mad, I feel sad because I want a connection with you".                

Upon hearing a statement by another, this same principle of responsibility applies. One has four options on hearing a feeling from another: 1) blame the other for the feeling, 2) blame oneself, 3) sense oneís own needs and feelings, or 4) sense the othersí needs and feelings. The latter two are compassionate communication responses.

IDENTIFYING NEEDS OR DESIRES

After identifying a feeling, the next step is to identify oneís need in this situation. A need is always about oneself, not about another. A need is always a basic human quality such as protection, autonomy, respect, nurturing or play. In the example of the childís room, the parentís need may be for respect or for cleanliness (protection from germs). "That you clean up your room" is not a need. This is a request or demand.

Children are good at announcing their needs. They cry or scream. However, somewhere along the line, many of us learned it is not okay to express our needs. Remembering this aspect of our selfhood and humanity is most important for connecting.

Marshall states many people pass through three stages of recovery as they get in touch with their needs. In the first stage, one feels like a slave, unable to express oneís needs and feeling responsible for otherís needs. "I have to go because my kids (or my friends, or my parents) expect me to".

In the second stage, one rebels and may act obnoxious - "Iím not responsible for you". The third stage is one of maturity and liberation. One takes responsibility for oneís feelings and needs, but not those of others. This represents healthy boundaries. One chooses to respond out of compassion, but never out of guilt, fear or shame. One can state needs clearly and be concerned with the needs of others. "I choose to go here, but not there, because I want to".

FORMULATING A REQUEST

The final step is to formulate a request based on oneís observations, feelings and needs. A parent might make this request: "I am feeling frustrated because I have a need to protect you from illness caused by germs. Would you be willing to clean up your room?"  It is best to phrase requests positively. "Would you be willing to clean up your room?" is better than "Would you be willing to stop making a mess?". Also, make the request as specific as possible, as in "Would you be willing to hang your clothes in the closet and take your pillow off the floor?"

Requests are not the same as demands. Demands force the other person to submit or rebel, which stops communication. A request is really a demand if the person blames, judges, or lays a guilt trip if the request is not complied with. It is a request if the one asking can accept either a yes or no answer.  If, when asked to clean up, the child says "no" and the parent says "You never do what I tell you!", then it was a demand. It was a request if the parent can answer, "I see that you prefer to play rather than clean up right now. I am disappointed because I was hoping you would want to cooperate. Would you be willing to do it after you play?". The goal is an honest, empathy-based relationship, not just compliance!

The words should, ought, must, or have to are often demands. A parent asked to observe a messy room might say, "The room should be cleaned up". This is a demand, rather than a request.  One request is to ask for reflection. This is especially helpful if one is not sure one was heard and understood. For example, one could say "Would you tell me what you heard me say?". This is a request for empathy and for clarification only. It is not to be confused with sarcasm, as in screaming at the other "Did you hear me?"

EMPATHY

Psychologist Carl Rogers wrote: "When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, and without trying to mold you, it feels damn good." Listening to others is ësaying a lotí.

Empathy is central in NVC. The key ingredient for empathy, according to Marshall, is PRESENCE. It involves being in the present moment and in the body. It is a non-judgmental state in which one observes oneself and notes as well what the other person is observing, feeling, needing and requesting. One needs empathy to give empathy. This can come from a spiritual source within, or from empathetic others.

Empathy is unfamiliar to many people. Empathy is not the same as sympathy, which is feeling what another person is feeling. When someone speaks, instead of simply empathizing, one may: offer advice, educate, console, story-tell, sympathize, interrogate, explain, correct, reassure or explain his position or feeling. Just jumping in is likely a knee-jerk reaction to make one feel better by offering somehow to "fix" the situation. This is a common response, but is often not empathy!

EMPATHY PRACTICE

Empathy demands first that one simply be present. Then it requires asking the person if it is okay to respond or offer a suggestion. A good empathy practice is to paraphrase: "What I hear you saying is..". Express what one hears in terms of what one senses the other is observing, feeling, needing and requesting.  If one asks for information, first express oneís own needs and feelings. "I am feeling confused by your statement. Can you tell me more about what happened". Reflecting back emotionally-charged messages is especially powerful. This can diffuse anger and could save your life. It may seem time-consuming, but in practice it saves time.

Just stay with empathy until there is a release of tension, or until the end of the flow of the personís words. Dr. Rosenbergís phrase is: Donít put your ëbutí in the face of an angry person. Just empathize. This includes empathy for a person saying "no" and empathy for silence (no answer).

One woman who attended a workshop with Dr. Rosenberg was alone on duty the next day at a shelter. A man came in asking for a bed. When she told him they were full, he pulled a knife and in no time was sitting on her chest with the knife at her throat. She decided this was a good time to practice her NVC. She kept expressing what she thought he was feeling - afraid, upset, disappointed, and frustrated. Each time she did so, the man softened a little. Finally, he calmed down and she was able to drive him to another shelter.

CONCLUSION

There is much more in Marshall Rosenbergís book and tapes about expressing anger, receiving empathy, expressing appreciation, the proper use of force, and punishment.  Oneís intention to really connect is very important in NVC. Otherwise, the best-chosen words and phrases will be hollow. Vigilance and practice are also most important, especially until old habits have been undone.

I find Compassionate Communication to be an excellent spiritual practice, useful in every waking moment. Even when I am alone, old life-alienating phrases like "I should do this" arise.  Remember the four steps: 1) observe the situation without judging or evaluating, 2) identify a feeling in oneself, 3) identify oneís need and 4) formulate a request.

 Resources

1. Rosenberg, M., Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Compassion, PuddleDancer Press, Del Mar, CA 1999. For books, tapes, workbooks, seminars and workshops, call 1-800-255-7696 or visit www.cnvc.org.