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I hope everyone had the opportunity to spend yesterday with their loved ones. I spent most of the day in my dark apartment, but that was my choice. When I finally made it to my dads everyone seemed tired, with the exception of my five year old neice. I opened the door to the house and heard the pitter pat of socked feet and a small childs voice shouting "aaaasshhhhlllleeeey!" my neice jumped in my arms and as i walked into the living room i saw my dad smile at me. i don't get to see that happen, often and i cry thinking about it. i ate some carrot sticks, cut my sisters hair, and had a chat with my grandmother. my dad helped me change the headlight in my car while my neice held the screws. it was nice to be spending time with my dad, again. however, i would really love to have a meaningful conversation with him that wasn't awkward. he was feeling sick and went to lie down, but when i knocked on his bedroom door he was talking to my stepmother on the phone. i said "bye, dad. it was nice to see you, i hope you feel better." and he shook his head and continued talking on the phone. the acknowledgement of me leaving wasn't anything like the hug i wanted. [i should have waited. i should have gone to his side. i should have hugged him. i'm sadly all too used to retreating] most thanksgivings, my dad and i listen to alices restaurant on the radio. but i didn't listen to it yesterday and there is a sort of overwhelming sadness in that to me. i feel cheated. i don't know my dads favourite colour, his favourite food, what he feels is most important in life, what his goals are...and i'm pretty sure he is as clueless about me as i am about him. i miss him. even when i'm sitting next to him i feel he isn't there. i've tried talking to him about big things, little things, anything to get him to really talk to me, but it all seems too contrived. i don't know how to fix that and i really wish i did. i know he means well but lately that's not good enough for me. relationships take effort on both ends. i need to know how to make it better. i want to *know* my father. i need to soak up his presence and make memories i can look back on and remember his witty sayings and laugh at his dry humour. is that too selfish?

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