---

---

Yesterday I drove all over town. For over an hour I tried to find lucky bamboo, but I had no luck. I've considered myself blessed because I haven't had to attend many funerals. But I'm struggling with a potluck of emotion. Last week I learned that a friend of mine shot himself. This was a young man so full of intensity, of ambition, always helping, always dancing like no one else was there. we always bummed cigarettes off of each other. he smoked camel lights. I still can't believe it happened. He was only 24- so much life left to live. so much to accomplish, so many people to touch. i realise he must have been in great pain to do something so drastic, but that provides no comfort. i am so sad for him. My friend BJ was nathans best friend and helped nathans family make funeral arrangements. I wanted to buy BJ some lucky bamboo. that's all i wanted to buy and nobody anywhere had it. i cried in the middle of target because i couldn't find any. i guess little things like that is enough to make a sad person cry. i bought an amaryllis instead and i have no idea what an amaryllis even is. how do you handle these things? i will remember him fondly but i still hurt. and everyone hurts. is time the only rememdy? is an amaryllis okay to give the bereaved? how can i sleep at night? how can i keep working with a smile when the subway radio plays songs about death and loss? is it selfish of me to feel unable to purchase a sympathy card? i looked at them. they had one for "loss of a daughter" and "loss of a grandmother" and "loss of a brother" but none for "loss of a son". no parent should ever have to receive a sympathy card for loss of a child. too sad too sad

Bookmark: