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Austin Girl has a Beagle named Buddy. He's fat. He's hungry. He's jealous... jealous of the damn mascot on Fat Bastard's wine bottle. He wants to be their mascot. He wants to be on their label. He deserves it. He's fat. So, he decided to take matters into his own paws. Here's his letter to the CEO of Fat Bastard Wines:

Click Wine Group Attn:
Peter Click, President & CEO
808 Howell St. 5th Floor
Seattle, WA
98101

Dear Mr. Click:

I have a bone to pick with you… I got my paws on a bottle of your Fat Bastard wine.

First, let me compliment you on developing a first-class wine that goes well with Science Diet and after dinner treats; it’s a real tail wagger. However, you have stolen my nickname, which my owner has given me and that makes me “hot under the collar.” Now, when my owner calls out – where’s Fat Bastard? – she’s no longer referring to me. Nonetheless, I remain a proud Beagle/Blue-Healer mix who was Oklahoma born and bred.

In view of the fact that you are using and exploiting my nickname “Fat Bastard” to market your product, I believe legal action is merited. You have violated my publicity and trademark rights and defamed me in the process, which has caused me to suffer great mental and emotional distress. This was confirmed by talking to my cousin, Legal Beagle with the Law Offices of Howling and Barking. And, in lieu of unleashing my Legal Beagle on you (she’s a real bitch), I offer other alternatives in settling this dispute – so it doesn’t turn into a dog fight.

I prefer to spend most of my days lounging on my couch and not fretting on your infringement of my nickname, so in the spirit of “if you can’t lick ‘em… join ‘em”… I am offering to drop all my rights to my nickname… “Fat Bastard” in exchange for one (1) case of Fat Bastard wine to be delivered to my dog house annually and my image on your wine labels (and this ain’t no DOG SHIT!).

To prove my claim to the nickname, “Fat Bastard,” I have included an 8 x 10 glossy. When this contention is amicably resolved, I will stop snarling at the sight of Fat Bastard wines. My owner LOVES her Fat Bastard! (That’s me and your wine).

Sincerely,

Mr. Buddy “Fat Bastard” Austin, TX

P.S. I am available for press conferences and photo sessions, but you will have to bring Fat Bastard and rub my belly! If anyone would like to order an autographed copy of this letter signed by Buddy "Fat Bastard" Beagle... please email Austin Girl Blog at austingirlblog@gmail.com. Cost is $5 (includes S/H unless outside U.S.)

What you will receive: (1) 8x10 originally printed letter on 100# white linen paper signed by Buddy's paw (unframed) (1) 4x4 color glossy postcard of Buddy "Fat Bastard" the Beagle either donning a pink ballerina Halloween costume or just looking fat.

Tags: Beagles Fat Beagles Beagle Humor Dog Humor Adult Humor Fat Bastard Win

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