Dedicated to all of my family, my friends, & the world:

This is how I have felt for the past few days, its been hard to write this blog. It's taking a lot of courage for me to do it, but its also part of my own soul searching that I have done. In any case, this is part of my life, the way I have been living, & still am today to some degree, but refuse to continue with it.

Song called: World I know - by: Collective Soul part of the words.

Has our conscience shown?
Has the sweet breeze blown?
Has all the kindness gone?
Hope still lingers on.
I drink myself of newfound pity
Sitting alone in New York City
And I don't know why.

Are we listening - hymns of offering?
Have we eyes to see - love is gathering?

While the words that I've been reading
Have now started the act of bleeding into wine - into wine.

So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below.
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down.
'Cause it's the world I know.
It's the world I know.

"Yeah, pretty deep words hey~~," as well as scary. There are times when we all are in pain. So much pain that we just want the world to go away. Yet even so, we still reach out & make contact. Even if its just for a glimsp of reflection. This song is one that we all can relate too sometime or another. For myself, I have lived a very isolated - sheltered life. I kind of like it, but I also hate it. I have lived like that all my life for the most part until this past year. It was also a safety net for me too.

I'm a people person sometimes, & sometimes not. Its not that I don't care about others cause I do. But sometimes its so easy to hide the pain that we are suffering from others rather than to share it. For one reason, people can either make fun of you, or they just really don't give a shit. And it is a risk. However, a risk that we all must take if we "truly want to live."

Well, I have found for myself, that - the more I know about the world, the more I want to hide. And even though I look for the positives in life, its hard to find. However, I have also seen the beauty of the world. It has opened up my eyes like no other, especially when there really are very caring people out there. The ones that are "true, to themselves, no matter what." The one's that don't judge others & really want the best for a person, as well as allowing them to be the best that they can be, Regardless. And how enlightening it is! Just truly Awesome (smile)... They aren't jealous about others, No - they are sincerely happy for
that person. Its all the little things that people do, just to make a difference in someone else's life. Its not the big shit.

And you know how I have seen this? I have seen this just by writing on here. I have seen it in all of you guy's writings, as well as out in the real world. And I tell you - I sure have learned a lot, especially in the short amount of time I have been on here which is around 2 months. Not to mention the world outside this box. Everything is a "new," for me.
Everything ;-). And sure is something let me tell you. It can be exhilarating, scary - funny, & sad.

I have seen some people judged, & for what? I would like to know. I think its sad, that we cannot be our true selves. For "no-one has walked in our own shoes," & what a terriable thing to do to anyone. For example:

I'm not going in hiding anymore. For one thing, I have found out for myself because for some reason or another - some of the people that I thought truly loved me, "Not All," but some that were really important to me in my life - always tried to hinder me for some reason. Make me feel like I was crazy - which no wonder I always felt so bad. I wasn't crazy! I was human. We're going to be sad if we're constantly being put down. We're going to feel anxious, if we're always having to live such a tight rope, We're always going to feel anguish if we're constantly worrying about money, health, food & home. Not to mention what's going on with the rest of the world that's on the news, etc... How can we possiably live in a world of such? You can't. For all you're doing then is just existing, being a mere shadow fading away as well as always longing.

For most of my life, I have always been hiding for one reason or another. And even though I have had some very precious moments in my life, I haven't started to really live a life with that "free spirit," feeling of allowing myself to be truly me no matter what, until about a year ago. I have had bits & pieces of being able to be my true self. "Mostly with my children, & the elderly." But It didn't really start for me, until when I had rented this little cottage. Oh my~~ was it so sweet - so serene of a place to live at. I loved it so. And I also got to have both of my beautiful precious girls with me too. But despite my best efforts I couldn't keep it.

I feel so unsettled with life for the most part. And I hate it. I don't know how to even get out of that mode. It makes me cry. However, even so - through writing as well as sharing with others I get back "pieces" of my self that I have either forgotten or am just discovering. I refuse to allow those who have hindered me before to continue doing so. And I also refuse those to also linger in my own head. Which means for me:

No more of anyone going to tell me I'm such a bad terrible mother. No more of anyone going to tell me that I'm this mean hateful person. No more of anyone going to tell me "you look like an angel, but you're the devil in disguise." No more of anyone telling me that "you'll never amount to anything." No more anyone telling me that "you'll never find anyone to love you." No more of anyone telling me that your dreams are too far fetched." (Even if they are!) All of these things has effected my life long enough. And I'm not going to allow it anymore. Not even in my own head of past shadows of whispers. For I am Not any of these things! I just like everyone else have done things that I am not proud of, but I have also done things that truly out weighs those. For I tell ya, "I'm not crazy & neither are any of You!"

For we all will disappoint our loved ones from time to time, but does that mean that we stop loving them? Does that mean that we should judge them so harshly? Cause I tell ya, if you're constantly looking for the negatives in a person - that is all you're going to find. As well as "all you're going to feel in life." I choose not to do that! For I too for the longest time have always looked at the negatives, which in return made me feel so bad about life! I will continue to fall on my ass from time to time, but at least now, I can actually see as well as feel the "beauty," of the world, which is why I refuse to go into Hiding anymore, & its also something that I hope for - for my own children, as well as everyone else to be able to do in their own lives. For when you can actually allow yourself to truly be you, (no matter what - as long as you're not setting out to deliberately hurt someone) as well as share those parts of you with those you love even when you're having a bad hair day, "you are truly loving your self!" Be proud of whom you are, always hold your head up high. For we all have bad day's. We all do things that we regret, as well as doing things that we are "proud of," but if we allow room for actual forgiveness as well as personal "Growth." As well as letting go of all of those "little ghost whispers" in our head. We are "truly living that free spirit." What a concept hey? Which concludes this to the next discovery that I myself have found with
"Truly Loving" someone. And my oh my~~ what a beauty it is ;-).

*Remember the little 2 year old big bright eyes full of sunshine smile innocent child, that always wakes up every morning saying "its a new day~~," with such enthusiasm & delight.* For if she can do it, we as adults can also do it & look for the positives in our day. What a beautiful way to live! "Believe in yourself, & may you Shine!" Likewise, I too have to keep reminding myself of the same - which isn't always easy to do, but I would love to try ;-).

Copywriter - CJC - Author

I hide myself in my weight.I know it not healthy.I feel no one can hurt me because they wont take a second look at a big person It is an easy way to avoid dateing .you can't be hurt if you don't let them in.men can take your selfasteam so low you feel that what is the use in trying to better yourself .I'm in therphy 3 years to recover from my breakdown I see how the way several men in my past teated me afected the way I see myself.not trusting people was a big hurtel to get over.I have started letting pepole in hopefuly they wont start rumers or I be back at square one. I am looking into going back to school so am defiently avoiding dateing.that way no man can make me feel I'm not smart enough each new step is hard to take I have started to belive in myself and my Dr told me I need to get the weight off letting that wall go is hard.

You keep going dear one! Don't allow anyone to put thoughts into your head that you're this, or you're that, or you should do this, or should do that!
I myself have been abuse by such bullshit. It's the worst kind ever to heal from. However, it can be done. (smile). You're going back to school. I think that is so wonderful . I have gone back a couple of times. I would like to go back & finish. But, we'll see. Someday hey~~. You be proud of You! And dear one, ALways - Always hold your head up High! I think you are so sweet & "trust me," You will find Love that you so heartily Deserve! And like you, I also know that I will too someday. I am not hiding anymore, nor am I afraid anymore! And this is my wish for you dear one! (smile)