Austin Girl's webisode one/season one has officially debuted on her blog!
In this silly plotless episode, Austin Girl crowns Fat Bastard "Fat" and shows off these totally chic grape sandals she found during the Austin Wine Festival.
Special Guest Appearance by: 'Bad Actress' masquerading as Geisha Girl disguised as female Russian assassin.
Ballimore, MD—In an effort to convert Fat Bastard to an alternate lifestyle, the seventy-three-pound Beagle was lured to a gay dog infield party at the Preakness hosted by four drunken, horny California Supreme Court Justices with a penchant for gay dogs.
“Twenty gay dog race revelers held down Fat Bastard and tied a rainbow ribbon around his male junk, initiating him into their club,” reported Austin Girl. The gay dog revelers allowed Fat Bastard to take to his paws where he took off running with the Rainbow Riders in hot pursuit.
Fat Bastard entered the track, avoiding his pursuers. A stunned track announcer thinking the Preakness had begun started calling the race of what he assumed was the second jewel of the Triple Crown. Here is the call:
“They’re out of the gate, it’s Fat Bastard in the lead at the quarter pole. In second, Ass Sniffer closes in on Fat Bastard’s tail. In third is Ball Licker positioning himself for a lapping of Ass Sniffer. And, in fourth, Shit Eater looking for the pile. On the back stretch it’s Fat Bastard being goosed along by Ass Sniffer whose nose is firmly implanted in Fat Bastard’s ass. In third, it’s Ball Licker closing in on Ass Sniffer’s nuts. And in fourth, Shit Eater is hunting for the poop. At the three-quarter marker, as they round the final turn, it’s Fat Bastard finding a fourth gear and extracting himself from the nostrils of Ass Sniffer as Ball Licker moves into second. Half a length back in fourth is Shit Eater who’s gaining ground. And in the final stretch, it’s Fat Bastard trying to stay ahead of Ball Licker much to Ball Licker’s enjoyment, as Ball Licker hunts for the neutered Beagle’s nuts. The crowd hears Fat Bastard yell over his shoulder to Ball Licker, ‘they ain’t there dumbass.’ As Ass Sniffer drives Ball Licker to the rail with his fecal-coated snout, Shit Eater seizes the opportunity and moves into second and turns wide avoiding a crash. And, at the wire, it’s Fat Bastard by a rainbow ribbon. Shit Eater taking second with Ball Licker panting into third and Ass Sniffer leads the remaining field. These are gay dogs.”
Seeing the rainbow ribbon around Fat Bastard’s private parts, the announcer proclaimed Fat Bastard the winner of the first Prickness at a track record of two minutes and thirty-six seconds in front of eighteen-thousand screaming fans.
Fat Bastard stumbled to the winner’s circle where a mood-swinging French Poodle named the Governor’s Gal laid a bouquet of prickly pears around Fat Bastard’s neck. She asked Fat Bastard to describe the race. He said, “Ballimore is just like that county sheriff in the play called The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. I’m a country dog come to town. If I stand flat footed, they try and fuck me. And, if I take off running, they bite me in the ass.”
Former FBI (Female Beagle Inspector) and mafia wannabe, Buddy Fat Bastard, a.k.a. Fat Bastard busted a two-foot western diamondback rattlesnake right between the eyes with his .32 Seecamp backup pistol at Austin Girl’s 180-acre ranch late last night.
Fat Bastard’s .32 Seecamp
Two-Foot Western Diamondback Rattlesnake
Wea Wea the Jack Russell called for backup when she spotted the dangerous predator navigating through Austin Girl’s garden. It slithered up the wilted banana tree, hiding. The poisonous snake lingered and gazed at the ten-pound Jack Russell named after a fictitious French cartoon gay rabbit with a bad hair do.
WeaWea the Jack Russell
“I pulled out the concealed weapon from my convenient fat folds,” said Fat Bastard arrogantly as he reached around, scratching his ass.
Fat Bastard
Fat Bastard explained to the dumbfounded police officer how he managed to take down the snake with such a close shot. “Wea Wea toyed and tormented the Texas-size rattler, dunking and diving, while I fired off two shots. Bang, bang,” reported Fat Bastard. “Bitches are good at that, you know, tormenting,” he added casually while munching down on diamondback kabob.
Austin Girl, paparazzi media hound chaser for the Dirty Dog Daily and all-around cool-chic, photographed an exclusive and disturbing picture backstage at the Victoria’s Secret G-String Panty launch held at the Doggie Style Sex Hotel in Austin, Texas. “The photograph exposes the overly-sexual Fat Bastard’s sick tastes in unfashionable, out-of-style panties,” reported Austin Girl. The image clearly showed Fat Bastard wearing ‘Hello Kitty’ undies on his head.
“Fat Bastard is a pantyholic,” confirmed Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise’s wife, who left the private party laden with eight grand worth of Chantilly-lace panties. Holmes then tossed Fat Bastard a pair of very expensive monogram panties trimmed with Swarovski crystals. “The Fat Bastard needs therapy,” admitted Cruise as he danced in front of Katie dressed only in white underwear and dark sunglasses playing air guitar.
Fat Bastard's agent could not be reached for comment because he quit during last week's episode in Vegas and is hanging out with the fake Geico lizard.
Tonight at Trump International Hotel & Tower Casino in Las Vegas, professional boxing ring announcer and former child-star, Michael Buffer, took a lady-like swing at super heavy-weight boxer Fat Bastard.
Fat Bastard absorbed the punch by blocking the blow with his opponent, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog’s face. The incident happened when the referee, Jackie Justice, called the two fighters to the center of the ring. Michael Buffer started to chime in with his familiar phrase, “Let’s Get Ready To Rumble” when Fat Bastard stole the microphone and completed the signature phrase adding “You Worthless Cigar-Smokin’ Pussy.”
Fat Bastard pounded Insult Comic Dog’s puny puppet face with two left jabs and a crushing right upper cut, leaving Insult Comic Dog collapsed in his corner like Rocky Raccoon. Fat Bastard then enjoyed smoking the cigar formerly puffed on by the Insult Comic Dog. Fat Bastard leaned over the ropes and proclaimed to the cheering crowd, ‘It ain’t Cuban.’ He then pointed to the front row seats and said to the owner of the Dallas Mavericks, “No offense Mark” and left the ring with the crowd chanting ‘Bass-tard, Bass-tard, Bass-tard.’
The much-anticipated heated showdown between the two fame-seeking dogs didn’t even make it to the opening bell of the first round. “This fight was better than Frazier vs. Ali,” chuckled Donald Trump as he rearranged his comb-over. Trump, who was sitting next to Paris Hilton’s bling-wearing bitch Tinkerbell, said he thought Fat Bastard was in a jealous rage.
The Geico lizard confirmed that Insult Comic Dog had been blowing kisses to Fat Bastard’s date Tinkerbell prior to the fight. “She’s puffed on more than a Cuban,” laughed the Geico lizard, who was seated in the red-carpet section labeled ‘phony-computer-generated celebrities’ and whose only claim to fame was speaking with a fake British accent and interrupting those auto insurance commercials. Insult Comic Dog’s press agent could not be reached for comment. Fat Bastard’s agent quit and is now representing the Geico lizard.
Howard Dean, chairman of the Democratic National Committee, hired Republican Political Strategist Karl Rove’s favorite political dirty trickster specialist, part-time refrigerator repair dog and (Nixon-hold-over) Buddy “Fat Bastard” the Beagle to put on a ‘Hillary for President’ tee-shirt and go piss on John McCain’s leg during a national televised McCain speech.
But, the drunken, disoriented Fat Bastard screwed up his assignment while playing footsies with the New York Governor’s show dog only known as the “Governor’s Bitch,” and ended up at a Barack Obama rally where he accidentally humped Obama’s leg during a televised speech. Witnesses interpreted this as Hillary has the hots for Obama and will accept the vice-presidency.
Fat Bastard managed to stroll past Obama’s secret service detail while they were looking for white separatists from North Michigan at the Obama rally.
An unnamed party next to Hillary confirmed that she will leave Bill for Obama if the Reverend Jeremiah Wright will marry them. When asked about the situation, President George Bush chuckled, “Politics makes strange bed pardners, kinda like those two oil billionaire wannabes from Midland – Cy and Jack.”
Caught on film farting and humping Obama’s leg, Fat Bastard will guest on Fox’s own Geraldo at Large. Geraldo will delve into Buddy’s past, which he is rumored to be one of the lost boys from that West Texas compound. Details and film at ten. Fat Bastard’s agent, Sam Clester, could not be reached for comment. However; famous defense lawyer, F. Flea Daily told Geraldo that he had seen the tape and it was obviously a Blue Healer wearing a Beagle mask. He said his client will plead innocent at the arraignment.
F. Flea Daily agreed that Fat Bastard’s bail of five-dollars was an appropriate judicial decision considering whose leg his client humped.
Geraldo contacted Chevron’s CEO, David O’Reilly and asked if Chevron was considering dropping the charitable donation to Rice University for Fat Bastard’s ass device. “Our next board meeting is set for November 10, which will give us time to analyze the results of the election,” said O’Reilly.
Geraldo then snuck in an additional query to O’Reilly, “If McCain is elected, you’ll continue sponsoring Fat Bastard’s ass device, right?” O’Reilly replied, “No comment.”
If ya laughed and think Fat Bastard is friggin' funny...please tell everyone!
Dirty Dog Daily has obtained an exclusive sex video tape featuring Paris Hilton’s teacup Chihuahua Tinkerbell and Austin Girl’s very own low-class and overweight refrigerator-repair dog Buddy “Fat Bastard” the Beagle.
The overly-sexual Beagle and his New York socialite bling-bling wearing bitch checked in over the weekend to the Bed and Woofass Posh Doggie Spa and Hotel located on Barton Springs Road in Austin, Texas. “The sick bastard recorded their dirty doggie -style hanky panky and left the shocking video tape in the player,” explained Stacey Stud Muffin, hotel manager.
A thirty-minute full-color video tape covered with sticky paw prints was found in the honeymoon suite.
“I plan on leaking this disturbing animalistic video footage over the Internet unless I can extort money from the Hiltons,” confessed Stacey Stud Muffin.
The Hilton Family has forbidden Tinkerbell to date overly-sexual Beagles. Fat Bastard’s agent could not be reached for comment.
Chevron Corporation has discovered the source for the declining ozone layer, debunking popular myth that manufacturers and automobiles have played a vital role in global warming. “Buddy Fat Bastard’s ass was found to contain high levels of methane and sulphur gases,” said Chevron’s Chairman and CEO, David O’Reilly at a news conference, which was held in a secret location.
“Our team of research scientists was flying over Texas when their ‘Who’s Messin’ with the Ozone Layer’ detection device went nuts,” explained Chevron spokesperson, L. Nicole Ross. Using a high-pencil-strength-steel gas pipeline, Chevron will downstream Fat Bastard’s gas, heating 15,000 homes across the United States. “Fat Bastard has saved Antarctica. Hell, this thing about Fat Bastard’s ass is hugeamongous,” said President Bush taking a quick break from eating birthday cake with Pope Benedict XVI.
Chevron has pledged two billion dollars to further develop a top-secret invention called the ‘Fat Bastard’s Anal High-Pressure High-Volume Linear Osmosis Conversion Valve.’ O’Reilly said Chevron is funding this as a humanitarian effort to save the planet. He has been assured that Rice University will use the funds to explore additional uses of flatulence. Rice University scientists are in discussions with Texas A&M to expand the use of this new scientific discovery for all other gaseous animals including bovines. L. Nicole Ross said Rice University will hold the patent on the anal valve.
Buddy Fat Bastard’s agent could not be reached for comment.
Chevron Corporation is one of the world’s leading integrated energy companies, with subsidiaries that conduct business across the globe and now in Fat Bastard’s gas.
Favorites
Digg
Del.icio.us
Furl
Magnolia
StumbleUpon
Google
Yahoo MyWeb
