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this is a short note to encourage you to become more familiar with the genocide of darfur.  please visit:  http://www.savedarfur.org/ to learn the background and find out how you can help.

 

"Indiana is one of almost 20 states considering legislation that would
require removal of money from companies that operate in Sudan and are
complicit in the genocide.  Indiana is home to one of the largest concentration of Darfurians in
the nation and to a broad coalition of activists who have been at the
forefront of divestment. These concerned citizens were responsible for
Indiana’s divestment bill, HB 1484, passing unanimously through the
Indiana House of Representatives on Tuesday, Feb. 27. HB 1484 would
require the Public Employees Retirement Fund and the Teachers
Retirement Fund to divest from a targeted group of companies that are
explicitly aiding and abetting the Sudanese government and their
campaign of genocide in Darfur. Bloomington’s Rep. Matt Pierce
co-sponsored this bill. Citizens of Bloomington also pushed for the
City Council’s Resolution 06-15 Calling for the Immediate Action to End
the Genocide in Darfur, in which Section II urged Indiana to divest
from these targeted companies. This resolution passed on Nov. 8, 2006.

Now,
it is time to tell our state senators that we don’t want Indiana’s
money funding this genocide. Bloomington’s Senator Vi Simpson has been
very supportive of this bill. However, though it passed unanimously in
the House last month, HB 1484 is on the verge of dying in the Pensions
and Labor Committee of the Senate. It is time to tell the members of
this committee to invest in human rights by divesting from Sudan. Call
or write to senators Kruse, Delph, Young, Boots, Walker, Waltz,
Weatherwax, Deig, Hume, Tallian and Long and encourage them to do all
they can to see that a clean HB 1484 passes out of committee this
Wednesday.

You can learn more about divestment by visiting www.sudandivestment.org"

 

 

Yesterday I drove all over town. For over an hour I tried to find lucky bamboo, but I had no luck. I've considered myself blessed because I haven't had to attend many funerals. But I'm struggling with a potluck of emotion. Last week I learned that a friend of mine shot himself. This was a young man so full of intensity, of ambition, always helping, always dancing like no one else was there. we always bummed cigarettes off of each other. he smoked camel lights. I still can't believe it happened. He was only 24- so much life left to live. so much to accomplish, so many people to touch. i realise he must have been in great pain to do something so drastic, but that provides no comfort. i am so sad for him. My friend BJ was nathans best friend and helped nathans family make funeral arrangements. I wanted to buy BJ some lucky bamboo. that's all i wanted to buy and nobody anywhere had it. i cried in the middle of target because i couldn't find any. i guess little things like that is enough to make a sad person cry. i bought an amaryllis instead and i have no idea what an amaryllis even is. how do you handle these things? i will remember him fondly but i still hurt. and everyone hurts. is time the only rememdy? is an amaryllis okay to give the bereaved? how can i sleep at night? how can i keep working with a smile when the subway radio plays songs about death and loss? is it selfish of me to feel unable to purchase a sympathy card? i looked at them. they had one for "loss of a daughter" and "loss of a grandmother" and "loss of a brother" but none for "loss of a son". no parent should ever have to receive a sympathy card for loss of a child. too sad too sad

I hope everyone had the opportunity to spend yesterday with their loved ones. I spent most of the day in my dark apartment, but that was my choice. When I finally made it to my dads everyone seemed tired, with the exception of my five year old neice. I opened the door to the house and heard the pitter pat of socked feet and a small childs voice shouting "aaaasshhhhlllleeeey!" my neice jumped in my arms and as i walked into the living room i saw my dad smile at me. i don't get to see that happen, often and i cry thinking about it. i ate some carrot sticks, cut my sisters hair, and had a chat with my grandmother. my dad helped me change the headlight in my car while my neice held the screws. it was nice to be spending time with my dad, again. however, i would really love to have a meaningful conversation with him that wasn't awkward. he was feeling sick and went to lie down, but when i knocked on his bedroom door he was talking to my stepmother on the phone. i said "bye, dad. it was nice to see you, i hope you feel better." and he shook his head and continued talking on the phone. the acknowledgement of me leaving wasn't anything like the hug i wanted. [i should have waited. i should have gone to his side. i should have hugged him. i'm sadly all too used to retreating] most thanksgivings, my dad and i listen to alices restaurant on the radio. but i didn't listen to it yesterday and there is a sort of overwhelming sadness in that to me. i feel cheated. i don't know my dads favourite colour, his favourite food, what he feels is most important in life, what his goals are...and i'm pretty sure he is as clueless about me as i am about him. i miss him. even when i'm sitting next to him i feel he isn't there. i've tried talking to him about big things, little things, anything to get him to really talk to me, but it all seems too contrived. i don't know how to fix that and i really wish i did. i know he means well but lately that's not good enough for me. relationships take effort on both ends. i need to know how to make it better. i want to *know* my father. i need to soak up his presence and make memories i can look back on and remember his witty sayings and laugh at his dry humour. is that too selfish?

Six Feet Under is probably my favorite tv show. its had a lot of impact on me, and each character says something that sticks. here are just a few quotes

Brenda: "Well, we're all wounded. We carry our wounds around with us through life and eventually they kill us. Things happen that leave a mark in space, in time. In us."

Nate Sr.: You hang on to your pain like it means something. Like it's worth something. Well, let me tell you - it's not worth shit. Let it go! Infinite possibilities, and all he can do is whine.
David: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Nate Sr.: What do you think? You can do *anything* you lucky bastard - you're alive! What's a little pain compared to that?
David: It can't be that simple.
Nate Sr: what if it is?

Lisa:
'When i die, i want to be a big mess, 'cause that's what life is: messy'
'I'm not a chance, i'm a person'

i'm too tired to think of more

i can feel it creep in under the sill of my window. i can feel it hit my face when i walk outside. my bones feel it when they try to move. it rests heavy into me. just rests there. its ilike i can't have real emotions. i just have a numbness stiffening my muscles. arthritis of feeling. i don't know who i am or who i want to be. i can't make decisions. i don't believe in anything. i don't have passions. i can't make up my mind. who do i want to be? what morals and values do i want to have? what kind of people do i want to be surrounded by? what goals do i have? i have none. it is constantly changing. i am never satisfied, i am never confident, i am never secure, i am never content. never is such a permanent word. too permanent for my better good. i physically feel like there is something in my chest, blocking myself from life, basically. i can't stand for people to be around me becaus i dont feel worthy. i just figured that out. i don't feel 'worthy' of company. i am ugly, fat stupid stagnantmeanpointless. people don't want to be around me. they have good reasons. go through cycles of binge and purging for about a week, then a month of regular eating, then another week of purging. for control. for the rush. for the feeling of accomplishing something. i realise why i do it. but why do i stop? if i can't stomach myself, why should anyone else? its a very lonely place. i feel alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone and unwanted.

it's up to me to make my life worth something, but i don't see it happening. i am so confused. i have no identity. how can a person live without an identity? i want a new life.

i sat in a stained swivel chair
i skimmed the words - your words
and caught vomit in my mouth
i lost my breath in hyperventilation-
i was caught off guard.

a sad winter is coming. or maybe it's just a sad day. i guess i'll find out.